Active Listening: Engaged Non-Verbal Cues:
- When someone is actively listening, they use non-verbal cues to demonstrate their interest in what is being said. They may nod, lean forward, make eye contact or exhibit facial expressions in response to the conversation. This encourages the speaker to continue talking and helps them to feel as though the listener is interested.
Passive Listening: No Non-Verbal Cues:
- A passive listener provides little to no non-verbal feedback to demonstrate that they are engaged in what is being said. Although a passive listener will usually remain still while the speaker talks, they will not make eye contact, nod or use empathetic facial expressions. The message that the speaker receives is that the listener is hearing them, but is not truly interested.
Definitions from Difference Between Active Listening & Passive Listening
Last week, a friend of mine came over for coffee and talked to me about a delicate issue she has in her life. She was upset and unsettle and I could feel it was hard for her to talk about this subject. I was listening to what she was saying, nodding, saying “yes, yes” and having facial expressions. This is how I always listen to people telling me their stories. I’m an active listener and I always thought this was a way of encouraging people to talk. And, when I talk to my friends, I do like when they listen actively to what I say. When she finished, I told her what I was thinking about her situation and I also gave her some advices according to my personal experience. She told me how she was feeling and we continued our discussion for a while.
Hubby was sitting in the other room during our conversation. The next day, he spoke to me about the difficulties of my friend’s situation. He also told me, from his point of view, my friend couldn’t express all what she wanted because I kept interrupting her with my nodding and saying “yes ‘yes” constantly.
I have to tell you hubby is a passive listener. When I tell him something, he listens with almost no expression in his face. Most of the time he don’t answer straight away and I have to ask him what he thinks. He will usually get back to the subject but, sometimes, hours later. It’s as if he needs to think before giving me an answer or an opinion. I know he does listen to what I say but I also get annoyed by his behaviour.
I’m the opposite; I usually say straight away what I think of a situation. When I get passionate about a subject, the tone of my voice gets louder and louder. I have a lot of difficulties with passive listening. Sometimes, I feel like asking the other person: “Did you understand what I just said?”
This conversation with hubby got me thinking: Was I interrupting my friend while she was talking? Was she feeling comfortable to say everything she wanted too?
I also thought about another conversation I had once with another friend. She told me her partner gets really annoyed when she is too emotional or passionate about a subject. He said he could not deal with her when she was behaving in such manner. He seemed to not understand this was only a way for her to express herself; it didn’t mean she was upset against him. It was just a way to make him understand exactly how she was feeling by putting emphasis on her emotions.
There is a world between how women and men express themselves. If my girlfriend talks to me with a lot of emotions, I just think she needs to get it all out. But, my personal experience tells me when I talk or listen to a man, I need to be calm and not show too many emotions other way he wouldn’t know how to react and deal with me and the situation.
So, I’m very curious to know:
Are you an active or a passive listener?
Do you prefer active or passive listening?
If you get too emotional in a conversation, how does your partner react?
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Linking this post with Jess over at Essentially Jess for I Blog on Tuesdays.
{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
Maybe there is a bit of a gender difference with the listening thing. My DH is a passive listener and not good with the multitasking – I never know whether his is listening to me or paying attention to something else.
Same here!
Oh, I’m definitely an active listener. And I frequently ask my husband if he’s listening, because he’s not giving me verbal cues or sometimes even looking at me. It really annoys me actually.
Visiting from IBOT.
If I am passionate about a subject I have been told by many family members that I can come across quite agressive and confroning! Especially if I am also angry about the subject too! I have to really watch that….
Me too, I’ve been told that. I get so loud if I’m passionate about a subject that people think I’m screaming at them. But, this is not want I want to do at all… It’s just my way to express myself. But, I have to admit that the message come across in a better way when I express myself with calm. Something I have to work on…
Rita, my husband listens better when I’m calm, I can see him getting frustrated if I’m too emotional. I think everyone is different in how they listen, but it seems like you did just what your friend needed at the time.
My husband ask me often to breathe and calm down before getting into a delicate subject. Sometimes he even wait a bit until I’m more calm before engaging in the discussion. Which, when a think about it, is a good thing.
Same here, I have to be calm when I’m listening and I have to control myself when I express some of my emotions. I keep on interrupting so I have to work on that. My husband once told me that when I express myself I’m like a teenager and I’m loud.
I am a very active listener and I prefer active listening, this way I know the person in front of me understand what I’m saying and I can see his/her reaction on the subject. If I’m too emotional in a conversation, I cut the discussion off and I continue later on when I’m more calm.
Wise decision to continue the discussion when you are more calm.
An interesting topic! I’m a mix of both. I like to see if the person I’m listening to actually wants me to help them solve the issue or whether I’m just a sounding board for them to work it out for themselves.
I do try to give thoughtful feedback if asked though.
xx
That is indeed important to work out what the other person expect from you.
I’m super active….I used to always interrupt with my amazing opinion. They wouldn’t be telling me if they didn’t want it right?
Anyway, I’ve learnt to try to listen more, especially where my hubby is concerned. Or he calls me out for not truly listening to what he’s saying………
Haha! Something I have to work on too: listen without interrupting.
I think we women love and need someone to mirror our emotions and to sympathise. My husband is so expressionless it’s weird… and he thinks I blether far too much. Luckily we are used to each other.
I’d pride myself on being a great listener and good keeper of secrets etc but I know with the kids my eyes often glaze over.
I think I am a bit of both. I have studies the art of listening and try to adhere to all I have learnt but sometimes i fall back into old patterns (I am listening after all and not focusing on what I should be doing).
I have had people respond to me with over enthusiast yes, mmm, uhuhs and the likes….if they are so often you can’t concentrate on what you are saying yourself, it does feel like they are fobbing you off.
A balance between both and a considered response is best. With that said, they are your friend for a reason and came to you. That should say it all
Becc @ Take Charge Now
I agree with you when you said that if they are over enthusiast listener it can be annoying too… Sometimes, it’s hard to find the right balance between active and passive listening.
I think I am an active listener and prefer others to be as well so that I know that they are hearing what I am saying. A is mostly a passive listener as well and then at the end wants to fix it all – I don’t need him to fix anything I just need him to listen while I get it off my chest !!!
Have a great day !
Me
This is so true. Sometimes, you just need to talk it through without someone giving you advices on what you should do. My husband is the same. He likes to find solutions. Without generalisation, I think this is how men are in all facets of their life: they like to find solutions and be efficient.
Oh my gosh, I am sitting here nodding away. I am most definitely an active listener and I do worry sometimes that I interrupt too much. I too always get a little emotional and passionate about things and my husband can take that the wrong way. He is the definition of a passive listener and sometimes I get really annoyed at him when he doesn’t answer me as I think maybe he hasn’t heard or maybe he is ignoring me. Its definitely an interesting thing to think about.
I get in trouble for not listening a lot so I try to practice active listening skills. I think woman appreciate the feedback and feel like you are really listening. Men are from Mars you know……..
Haha Eleise! I loved that book!
I like to think I am an active listener, but I have to admit there are times I nod my head and say “yes, yes” and I’ve got no clue what the person just said. I definitely think this is a gender issue with your hubby, not a listening issue!
I think you are right! After reading all the comments, I think it is a gender issue…
I think I’m very similar to you, Rita. I get very engrossed in a conversation and I will do a lot of active listening. Sometimes I really have to stop myself and just be quiet. I don’t know why. I guess I feel in myself that they just want me to listen. But you know, we’re all different. Even though our intentions are the same.
I am definitely an active listener, sometimes too active and can tend to butt in but when I hope the person realises I’m trying to build a rapport with them. I can’t stand people who just stare at me with no change in their facial expression and just say ‘okay okay, mm mm” and appear to be bored. But then I get a bit sensitive if I’m divulging something personal and they appear to be passive. My hubby is totally passion, sometimes I wonder if he’s even awake when I speak, drives me batty.
Haha! Same here with my hubby! I have so many difficulties with people who listen with an expressionless face.
To be an active or a passive listener depends on the subject, if it’s an interesting one or not. I think this is the idea of the majority of people. I try to be polite, courteous and always positive, especially when the discussion is with a women.
I’m a pretty quiet person, so I tend to listen quietly, but I nod a lot!!
The trick, I think, is knowing when and how to ask the right questions… which I’m not necessarily good at. But I believe strongly in active listening. Silence is unsettling.
I agree Alarna, asking the right questions and at the right time in the conversation… Something easier said than done especially when the subject is very delicate…
Definitely a male thing. I have to repeatedly ask my man if he’s actually even heard me as his face is so passive & unresponsive. I on the otherhand tend to do the yes, yes, ahhs..& if it’s a particularly sad tale I’ll join in crying with you.
Hmmm… there is a time for passive listening and a time for active listening… But, I think you are right, men & women do listen differently… I am glad of this, I think if my husband was as emotional and intense as me – we would be in a true mess!
B from #teamIBOT
You are so right B… After writing this post and reading the comments, I realised that it is something I should be grateful for that my husband is more a passive and practical person than me. Imagine if we were two very passionate people? I don’t even want to think about it! I don’t think our relation could even last!
I am very similar to you, definitely an active listener. I do tend to get quite empassioned as well and people think I am annoyed when it is just my way of responding. Husb is exactly the same as yours, he gives very little away and I am left searching for some form of clue as to how he is feeling. Asking what he thinks constantly. I hope your friend is ok. X
Thanks Rhian. She is feeling much better but she still have many issues in her life she needs to resolve.
I think there’s a big gender difference. Sometimes, if I need to have a whinge to get something off my chest, I know that before I start, I have to tell my husband that his job is just to listen. Otherwise he thinks I’m whinging to him to FIX it. Because, in his mind, why else would I bring the topic up. It’s hard for him to understand that I just need to talk it through. I think women get this concept without needing the prompt. I think your “yes, yes” responses are your way of communicating female to female.
That’s a good idea Danya. I need to try that with hubby to tell him that I just need to talk about it and that he just have to listen and not necessarily fix things.
I’m probably more passive and prefer passive. I know a woman who says ‘mmm’ every two seconds when you’re talking, and that drives me nuts! I guess it is different for everyone though. I hadn’t really thought about it